Movies, Webcam and a typical Saturday

Had my typical long hard week of work. Kristen was my last appointment on Friday. She surprised me early by letting me know that she has 6 tix to see Wicked the weekend after my birthday. That’s exactly what I was hoping to do. I tried to hint to John that he can get the limo for all of us. He wasn’t sure, but maybe my friends can help him get organized. Maybe there’s a big taxi van that can just take us down and bring us back and we won’t have to pay such a high price. I saw Wicked already a few years ago in Chicago, and was supposed to go with MaryAnn and another friend. MaryAnn’s mom had a heart attack right before that and has been taking care of her mom ever since then. I’ve been anxious for this play to come to Indy, so we can finally see it together. I enjoyed the music so much. The story is a little silly, but it's just so much fun, since I'm such a hug Wizard of Oz fan.
After doing Kristen’s hair, her boyfriend Andrew also had us over for dinner. He’s done this so often, and thankfully he enjoys it, but I feel like I just haven’t reciprocated enough. Bottom line is after my work week, I don’t have energy to entertain as often as I'd like. John brought a bottle of wine and some cards and we played Euchre. I enjoyed that so much. I love just hanging out with friends and playing games. That is the ideal weekend for me. I thought we were going to celebrate Beth’s birthday tonight, but I misread the invite. They actually went out Thursday. I had to work, and these were apparently last minute plans. I’ve been trying to readjust my expectations or feelings toward Beth. I consider her a friend still, but some how I elevated her too high, and too quickly and found myself disappointed by her at times. I don’t blame her. I blame myself. I had put her in a category of friend in my mind before time could really create that kind of friend. I’m really grateful for the ones who have stood the test of time.
I accomplished much less today than I had hoped, which is typical. We had 60 degrees and sunny and had big ideas of cleaning my garage. I picked up the house a little, did some laundry, spoke to Cuco about adding a patio next to the deck, and doing a little landscaping. I think it will be so nice to have a level area for the grill and a bar. I wish I had enough money to totally make my backyard a paradise all at once. I guess each year we can do a little at a time. It gets nicer all the time. Most of the day was really filled with watching the 2nd season of the Tudors. The beheading scenes were more graphic than I was ready for. It was so disturbing and made me so grateful that I wasn’t born in that day. It’s been a fascinating series. I love learning about this piece of History and it gives me a whole new perspective on the church.
Olivia just logged on to MSN messenger. I chatted with her for a few minutes. She helped me set it up earlier today and did a little webcam chat with her and “the boy”. I wanted to do Skype to see if the quality was any better, but she was unable to complete the set up. Hopefully we can figure it out next weekend. I’m getting so excited to see them. I have fallen so in love with Matthew, I’m having dreams about him. I’m hoping maybe this new technology I’m learning will help me get closer to Liv too, but am mostly wanting to chat more often on here so Matthew doesn’t forget who I am between visits. I hope this summer we’ll head down to see the family a lot. I have a feeling this year is going to zoom by.

Saturday stuff and Matthew

Finally worked on tax stuff today. Every weekend that I had planned to, was filled with something else. Couldn’t put it off any longer. I haven’t posted anything on here for quite a while. I journaled during vacation and after, but felt the need to vent a few things so chose to post on my private blog. All in all vacation was lovely and it really was because of Matthew. I think having him with us made every thing new and fun. Tonight John and I watched a few eps of the Tudors and I have been organizing some pics on Facebook. I’m also trying to title all the video I took of Matthew, to eventually post online as well. I haven’t asked Tracie if it’s ok to post anything with him, but I’ve asked John to double check things, because he’s so much more conservative than I am about these things. I’m less and less interested in TV and have more fun replaying Matthew videos. John and I have had adoption talks again. It’s just talk, maybe to get it out of our system. I keep giving us the reality checks. When I remind him of puke and diarrhea, and being the taxi service when kids get older, we both feel pretty good about our lives. We both still feel a little sad tho, that we haven’t had our own. I think we can be a big part of Matthew’s life. I just struggle with how much. I don’t want to offend Bernard and Tracie, with how much we want to be involved. I convinced them to get a web cam with their new computer. I haven’t tried SKYPE yet, but am hoping that we’ll both easily be able to set it up, and can have more communication with “the boy”(our affectionate term for him) since they are 2 hours away and it is not very realistic for us to see him more than every 6 weeks or so. Maybe more often this summer. Planning on them being here for Easter. I'm anxious to create his basket. Plan on doing some shopping this weekend for a baby gate. Our home isn't very baby friendly right now.

Saturday

Today's chores include the gym, pick up the house and laundry and packing for vacation. I have PT on Monday and then have to work the rest of the day and every day after till we leave Sat morn. I work late nights so hopefully I won’t forget anything. Monday will be my 5th PT session. I was hoping to be further along than I am, but I have seen improvement. My focus in Florida will be to spend more time doing my stretches. That will be the nice thing about the beach. There are a few I can do there, but I’ll still have to go to the condo for others, since I have to attach the pulley to a door. Last year I was so lazy. I want to get more motivated with exercise. My goal is to get strong enough just to throw a ball to my nephew. Sometimes it feels like it’s always going to be like this, so it’s hard to want to work out. Also, knowing that exercise will have to be a part of my life if I don’t want to keep getting injured. I HATE IT. It’s really not so bad. I just have a hard time being disciplined, and continuing to create a habit. If I have a goal in mind, I’ve always been able to achieve it. It’s the idea that this is going to have to be a lifestyle that is tripping me up.
I’m looking forward to Florida. I’m praying that we have good weather. It can be sketchy in March. I really had a bad time last year, but maybe I was hormonal. I was so sensitive to such petty things. I have a better attitude this year. I’ll have more time to journal while there. Maybe I’ll have some deep insight.

V day and John's weight loss mission

I’d like to write something at least once a week on here, but don’t always feel like there’s much to say.
Last weekend we went to cirque du soleil with the Kolenda’s for their wedding anniversary--on Valentine's day. Stood in line for 10 minutes at the Cheesecake Factory, waiting to put our names in for a 2 hour wait. I called a few restaurants while standing in line and decided to head up to Carrabba’s by our house, for only a 40 min. wait. I don’t think we would fight the crowds on Valentine’s day if it wasn’t their anniversary. I’m glad we have a reason to celebrate though. John and I tend to take holidays like that for granted, and probably wouldn’t put much or any effort in if someone else wasn’t involved. I usually try to make a big deal out of birthdays but this last year, I really didn’t feel like doing much. Mine was on a Wednesday and just didn’t feel that special. I just told someone that I’m “going to be 43” when in fact I’ll be 44. I actually forgot, and it hit me a few days later. Maybe since we didn’t celebrate the last one it slipped my mind. John has the big 40 this year. I wonder if he’s going through a little mid life crisis. We’ve been together about 10 years. He’s put on about 10 pounds a year, until the 5th year of our marriage when he was around 280 lbs or more (he was 210 when I met him). He claims the extreme weight gain was because of antidepressants. He started dropping weight when he felt more stable in his job, but still hovered around 240-250 for years because he enjoys the beer and pizza a little too much. I used to get mean and angry about his food choices and lethargy because I was scared to death of losing him, but finally decided it wasn’t working anyway and he would have to take control of his own life in his own time and I would try to make whatever time we had more enjoyable for both of us. Now that he’s approaching 40, something kicked in and he is on a mission to get back down to 210. I believe he can do it...he's at 228 today, I’m just not sure if he’ll maintain it. He and I are similar in our personalities that we are very goal driven and achieve what we seek. Once the dream is fulfilled we get bored and go back to our old ways. I went through this around the same time, and enjoyed the attention from other people a little too much. I didn‘t do anything that would have jeopardized my marriage, but I can‘t say I wasn‘t tempted a few times, so it scares me a little that he’s going through this. I feel I can trust him, and I know that he loves me, and I know that no matter how much I love him and tell him he’s sexy, it doesn’t affect how he feels about himself. When I was working out all the time, and he told me how attractive I was, I still needed to feel that other men found me attractive. Perhaps John isn’t as needy in that area. I hope not. I try to stroke his ego, and am hoping I’m enough for him.

emily continued

I googled Emily to see if she might be in the obits yet. I would never feel comfortable calling Peggy and asking, and yet, I'm not sure how I'll handle the next time I see her.
I found this and realized it was written just a few days ago. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now...this is unreal...remarkable...I'm sort of speechless...

From the "Pray for Emily" fan page

Update from 2/16/09
Share
Tue 6:42pm
We have received our miracle! Emily woke up on Sunday...it's an absolute miracle! I spent most of the day with them on Saturday and we all we were certain she didn't have long to live, erratic breathing, bad color, etc. Sunday morning the nurse came in to bathe Emily and Emily was following her with her eyes and head. The nurse noticed and said said Hi Emily and Emily looked right at her. They started asking her questions and she nodded her head yes and no. She responded to commands to smile and stick out her tongue all day. The have reconnected the feeding tube and she has been moved out of hospice to the Neurology Unit. She's not even in ICU anymore. She still can't talk or really move much because she hasn't moved a muscle for 6 weeks, but....I'm sure it's just a matter of time. I'm so excited! I'm expecting God to complete this miracle by Emily not having to live with pain anymore.

http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/Indianapolis-IN/Pray-for-Emily/48234527886?ref=nf

Emily

12:30 pm.
I just got a call from a client, that she needs her hair done as soon as possible. Her daughter Emily, who is in her early 20's is brain dead and they are waiting for her organs to shut down.
Peggy wanted to make sure her hair was shaped up before the funeral, and had no idea how soon that would be. I've done Emily's hair at least 10 years. She's been dealing with an inoperable tumor on her spine since jr. hi. She's had multiple surgeries for different pain pumps, and been on pain meds for quite a while now. Every time she's told me that they've increased her morphine, I've wondered how long her body could handle that. As soon as I heard the message, I broke down and cried. Just knowing someone so long and seeing them in chronic pain is difficult to watch. I've tried to be patient each time she was in, because she would have a difficult time sitting in the chair for long periods. My patients is tested some times, when I’m just trying to get through my job, dealing with my own pain, although realizing, it’s nothing like she’s been experiencing. It’s difficult to understand what people are going through until you’ve experienced the same things.
11pm.
Beth cancelled her appt tonight because of a cold, so I was able to get Peggy in. She was so grateful, and thanked me profusely as if I had gone out of my way for her. I was trying to figure out how to help her out, since I had just made a commitment to my self to not take on too much extra. I need to give my self a break so I can continue working for the long haul. I’m trying to find some balance in my life. I asked Peggy what happened. They believe there was some mistake at the pharmacy. Emily was given the wrong dosage of medicine.
1000 times more than what the Dr. had ordered, even though the label was exactly what the Dr. had ordered. When retracing steps, someone remembered the pharmacist had questioned the amount, as if that wasn’t normal, and the Dr. said “NO” and verified the smaller dosage. They believe the pharmacist accidentally gave the dosage he had in his mind any way.
I cannot fathom that this is possible. I cannot fathom that they are waiting for their only child to die.
I feel pain for them but have no concept of what they must be going through.
I’m stunned and heartbroken.

House, Gas, and PT

I’m home right now waiting for the house appraiser finish up, evaluating what our home is worth. We decided to refinance, since John gets a good deal at the bank to do it and the rate for a 30 yr mortgage is 4.75%. I’m hoping to keep paying what we have been to pay off the house sooner, but at least we have some leeway if we ever need it.
I spent the morning driving further to Physical Therapy, since my favorite PT moved. I didn’t remember to fill my gas tank up before I left and started to panic when there was no gas station off the exit, since the new hospital is in a newly developing area. I barely made it to the station and pd $1.87 a gallon. I’ve been wanting to record that at some point, so I’ll remember 30 yrs from now. At Christmas I think it was around $1.40 something. Right before the 4th of July, I wrote down that it was $4.04. It’s such a silly game. So far this economic crisis hasn’t affected us terribly. As long as my clients keep their jobs and John keeps his, we should be fine. Although we DID lose enough money from the stock market that had we put that toward our house, we could have had it paid off by now. That makes me so sick. John has always said the market will earn more than our house could. Any one else would have probably believed that as well. It just makes me want to cry, that I have worked this hard, to have to go to PT, to see that money disappear. That money could be recovered eventually I suppose, as long as 5th 3rd stays in business. If the bank gets bought out, then that money is gone. UGGHHH.
So, I had my 1st session with Bill, my PT that I’ve worked with before. I’ve seen him in the past for my knee, my back, and this same shoulder. Because I HATE working out with weights, I let my self get weak, and now have something he calls “frozen shoulder”. I just don’t have much range of motion with my left arm. Bill asked how I’ve been functioning. It doesn’t hurt all the time, only if I move it in certain ways…
http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/frozenshoulder/a/frozenshoulder.htm
“Frozen shoulder, or adhesive capsulitis, is a condition that causes restriction of motion in the shoulder joint. The cause of a frozen shoulder is not well understood, but it often occurs for no known reason. Frozen shoulder causes the capsule surrounding the shoulder joint to contract and form scar tissue.”
I was planning on just doing the exercises that Bill gave me previously for my shoulder instability, but after a few weeks of this, he came in for his daughter to have a haircut. He told me I really should be evaluated, and I’m glad he did, because I probably wouldn’t get any better with the things I’ve been doing. He said it could take up to 3 years to heal from this. Oh Please God, give me a quicker recovery. I can’t stand feeling this way.
Off to finish some errands, then have to work a few hours, to make up for missing work half a day last week because of the 10” of snow. At least the sun is shining. The reflection off the snow makes it pretty out there.