Carrie and thoughts on babies

This week flew by. Anxious for memorial weekend to see Matthew again. Went out last night after work with my friend Carrie. I’ve done her hair for abut 10 yrs. She moved to Louisville a few years ago, but once a year has come back to get highlights, then we go out afterwards. I feel like we’re just starting to really know each other. She’s a real gem. She and I are opposite in so many ways, but I think we believe a lot of the same things. She’s 33, has 4 kids, 2 boys and twin girls. She loves her kids more than life. She’s a tomboy. Was a big volleyball star in college. Has a southern accent and drinks beer like water. She dances like Jed Clampet and is hilarious. John really likes her too. She’s more like the people he’s always enjoyed hanging out with. She’s very genuine and has the biggest heart. We just went to Champps for dinner, and since there was a threat of rain, we weren’t sure if the band would play out on the patio, so we came back to our house and hung out looking at the fish in in our waterfall and talking for hours. She says the same thing that MaryAnn has always said about coming to terms with having children or not. I still think about adopting, and yet have hang ups about it. I think about it every day. Mathew has definitely lit a spark for me that makes me want my own, yet I’m so in love with him, I can’t fathom loving another child as much. I’ve been too scared to actually pursue adoption because I over think it all the time, but I can’t let it go either. I wish I could just have a few guarantees in life. I know better, I’ve just never been a risk taker and I almost choke every time I start thinking through what is involved with having a child. I just think, maybe I should close my eyes and jump in and roll with whatever happens. I’m not there yet.

Mexican Train

Saturday we had Dan and Beth over for dinner. We all wanted a casual easy night. John and I spent the day cleaning up the yard and house. I was just going to order a pizza, but John reminded me that we had frozen pork, so I thawed and marinated it. I ran to the store down the street for sweet potatoes and asparagus and decided that was good enough. Beth also brought a sweet potato salad and Quinoa black been salad from Whole Foods. They were both delicious. We cooked the pork on sticks over the fire which is my favorite way, You just can’t beat the flavor. They taught us Mexican train as I stated in my previous post. It actually was very easy. John LOVED it. I’ve never seen him enjoy a game so much. I guess we’ll have to do more of it. He prefers games that he doesn’t have to do any thinking. For me, I was thinking a little harder because there actually is some strategy, and I guess those moves become easier as you get more familiar with the game. It’s a little like Majhong which I learned New year’s day.
I’m just so happy that my yard is getting prettier. I hope we can entertain more this summer.
Sunday is filled with flower shopping, planting, painting, and day dreaming about how to decorate the patio. Can't wait for the next big party.

christening the patio

I’m so excited about my new patio. Such a little thing to make me so happy. I just can’t believe how quickly it came to fruition. I hired a landscaper that my Physical Therapist recommended. The name of the guy in charge is Cuco, so John and I have had a lot of fun with that. It just took a couple of days and they even worked in the rain, which amazed me. I'm thrilled. I still have to landscape around it. John will finally put the fence up that’s been down for years. Lots of cleaning and painting to freshen everything up, but it just makes me so happy to have such a comfy out door living area. A hot tub and a movie screen will complete the picture, but I don’t really see that happening any time soon.
Dan and Beth are coming over Saturday night. We’ll probably just sit around the fire pit and eat. They’ve been into a game called Mexican train with dominoes. I really am resistant to learning games that have anything to do with counting, and I don’t know why, because it’s not all that difficult for me. I guess word or picture games are just that much easier for me and I don’t have to think as much. It’s silly, but I continually have on my mind that I don’t want to lose my mind, so I’m always wanting to learn new things. It’s a little pathetic, that I can’t just enjoy a silly little game…it has to serve a purpose, in this case, exercising my brain. I might just surprise my self and enjoy it. Maybe I have too much of a need to be good at something or I don’t want to do it. Is that just human nature?
My house has the typical needs that neglecting through my work week has created. It’s supposed to be a beautiful spring day, so I may just choose to do out door work, or just go play.

boring but satisfying weekend

This weekend is all about chores. I was happy to clean my garage. We now have room to put the cabinets, that we still need to pick up, then paint, so John can install them along with some shelves on each side of the fireplace.
The guys installing the patio came yesterday, since we had such pleasant weather…partly cloudy, 70 degrees. I can’t believe how quickly they can accomplish so much. We decided to spend a little more money for them to wall a garden area for John and add sidewalk up to the deck. It will make my back yard look so magnificent. It looks like I have to hire these people to move all the wood in the back too. John keeps telling me he can move it all, it’s not worth the money, but he won’t stack the logs behind the shed, and they really are an eye sore. He likes things to look nice too, but just doesn’t value all the same things I do. I have more work I want them to do in the front, but really can’t afford to do it all at once. Have to cut more hair I guess. Just when I feel like I want to slow down, I start noticing the things I want, so that requires me to work more.
I convinced John to go for a bike ride with me in the afternoon. We just went for about 8 miles, but we went through the surrounding neighborhoods that we really haven’t seen. I like looking at other people’s houses and seeing how they landscape. There really are some beautiful homes close to me.
We were supposed to go to party last night, but cancelled last minute. I felt bad, because I want to get to know the hosts better, but John wasn’t feeing his best and this party was a drinking game competition for charity. Neither one of us felt up to drinking. I want to get a few more things accomplished today and am pretty much worthless the day after alcohol. I’m anxious to start sewing and doing some other projects, but there’s always laundry to catch up on and groceries to buy…
and the typical stuff of life that it’s difficult to make a new mess. I really want to clean out my basement and paint my bathroom. So many choices, so little time. I may just end up watching another movie today. We finally watched Slumdog Millionaire last night. It was stressful, but so good. It deserved the Oscar.
So I’m off and running. Hoping to make something happen today.

Easter with B, T, O, and M

Had a wonderful and exhausting Easter weekend. Spent It with John’s brother Bernard and his wife Tracie with Olivia and Matthew. I spent Saturday cleaning the house. They came around 6pm Saturday night. I was so excited to see Matthew and was so happy that he seemed to remember us. I’m just not sure what to expect with his age at 16 months. As soon as he came in I got on

youtube.com to play Beyonce’s “All the single ladies.” I taught him the song, because he liked the “OH OH OH” that she sings. Tracie called a few weeks ago to tell me that he was singing that. As soon as I put on the music he started bouncing up and down and shaking his arm.(Those are his dance moves...sooooo cute.) I took video later of this, but nothing as cute as when he first heard this music. He’s at a climbing age too. He wore me out climbing up the stairs, because he didn’t want to crawl backwards down. He wants to step down and his legs aren’t long enough. He actually rolled down a few steps a few times and bonked his head, but if you don’t fuss, and just say “big boy” he does fine and doesn’t notice that it hurt.
John grilled burgers and we just had a laid back evening. Blockbuster didn’t have the movie we wanted, so we just watched TV. Sunday morning we played some more, then I threw together a sausage egg and hash brown casserole for breakfast. Matthew went outside a little later and played with the bubble machine we bought him. He likes pushing buttons so it was great fun. The multitude of bubbles seemed to thrill him. I can’t wait to see how he likes them when it’s warmer outside. It was actually a pleasant day, sunny and about 60 degrees, but a little windy.

Another button he likes to push is the little talking photo cube I made for him. It has photos of the 3 of us together, because I want him to see pics of us when we’re away from him. I recorded a portion of a song that a sang all the time to him in Florida. The phrase I sang was “God picked you out from all the rest, ‘cause he knew that I loved you the very best.” When he pushed the button his eyes lit up and he looked at me as if he recognized that it was me singing. I just don’t know what to expect from a 16 month old, but he seems very aware.
I decided my name is “Lala”. He has an Aunt Lisa, John’s oldest sister. He says “YaYa” which I like too. John’s mom made a comment years ago about ‘L’s” being hard, so I’ve been working with him on saying them. I thought Lala might be easier to say than Lisa. He seems to know that’s my name. When he was down in the basement with John and Bernard I heard him yell "YAYA". As if he were calling me. I can't decide if it's just a fun word for him to say, or he really is calling me, but he uses it at appropriate times. I’m falling more and more in love.
We did an Easter egg hunt with him. I just filled plastic eggs with goldfish crackers and Peeps and had 2 pacifiers. One was big giant lips and the other is a pig snout. Too cute! His basket had a book with farm animals, a coloring book with larger crayons, animal crackers, chocolate bunny, and a big plastic flute recorder. He may be too young for the instrument, so I’ll bring it to him next time. He wasn’t quite sure about the easter egg hunt. It will be really fun next year when he’s more excited to do these things. I also gave Olivia a basket full of candy, a few novelty items and some sephora eyeliner. I hope she likes it all.
Next we took Matt to the play ground in the school yard next door to us. He liked the see saw and the slide. He liked the swing for a little bit, but really enjoys stepping up and down so he would wander off to the edge to try and step down, we had to continually redirect him to the playground.
We went back to the house to get Bernard and Olivia to play some more. Tracie watched the lamb in the oven. We came back to finish working on dinner. I took for granted that the last one in the house closed the sliding door behind them, but they didn’t, so after a minute, when Tracie asked where Matthew was we started looking around and he came back in from out side. That boy is going to need extra guardian angels. Our deck has no railing and he came in with one wet pant leg, so he probably stepped in our pond. The frightening thing is, how slick it is and unsteady. He could have died in that split second. I have heard stories in the past of people that just looked away for a minute and the child died. There is absolutely no rest with a little one around.
Trying to play and do a dinner, doesn’t work real well. John did some pork chops. I did Carol’s potato casserole and some candied carrots and asparagus. I’ve done the brown sugar and butter thing before, but it didn’t seem to work out as well this time. I ended up redoing it and it was just so so. Asparagus was fine, but the meat and potatoes seemed dry. It was disappointing, because I know John and I are both better cooks, but I guess I preferred to have fun than focus so much on making everything perfect. I can’t say I’m a big fan of lamb. I may play with a wine sauce to eat with the leftovers.
I think I would lose a lot of weight with Matthew around more. I really didn’t have much of an appetite, because I wanted to have fun with him. We ran and danced and played so much, I think I could give up my gym membership. After dinner, the guys were watching Masters golf, so I convinced them to go to the basement, taking Matthew. The dark cold place put him to sleep, which he needed. I went to pick up “DOUBT” at Blockbuster for the girls to watch. It was good and interesting. Left questions about whether or not a Catholic priest (Philip Seymour Hoffmen) was a child molester. Meryl Streep was an old bat nun that was convinced he was, but she was too strict and uptight. They both were EXCELLENT in the film.
After the movie, Tracie started packing up so it gave me a little more play time with Matthew. I know he was tired so he became cranky when it was time to go. I think being an Aunt is awesome. Nothing but FUN, and no poopy diapers if I don’t want to. I’m completely exhausted though and happy to have some “me” time, although Monday is another day of cleaning to get traces of Matthew from off the floor.

More PT for me and $ on my mind

I’m a little discouraged tonight. I thought today would be my final Physical Therapy appointment. When I 1st began therapy 2 months ago, my shoulder was only at 15 degrees of external rotation. Last week I was at 75 degrees. Bill said he would release me at 85 degrees, so I did my stretching exercises more often than usual…every chance I had. I was sure he would be amazed at my improvement. I barely hit 70 degrees today. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t sleep well last night, and wonder if that will affect my progress.
I got a call from my credit card company telling me they had to cancel my card because of fraudulent activity. This really bothers me, since I hardly ever use my card. Trying to figure out how it could even happen has really been bothering me. It’s all been taken care of, and we are fine, but that, combined with the idea of spending more money for the back yard…even though I really want this…is apparently keeping me up at night. I can’t have everything I want all at once, so I think long and hard about where to spend my money. The idea of letting any go when I keep hearing about our bad economy, makes me scared. I guess I can keep dreaming of a nice house, or go ahead and make it happen. I’m hoping that writing these things now, will help me release my anxiety and get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Movies, Webcam and a typical Saturday

Had my typical long hard week of work. Kristen was my last appointment on Friday. She surprised me early by letting me know that she has 6 tix to see Wicked the weekend after my birthday. That’s exactly what I was hoping to do. I tried to hint to John that he can get the limo for all of us. He wasn’t sure, but maybe my friends can help him get organized. Maybe there’s a big taxi van that can just take us down and bring us back and we won’t have to pay such a high price. I saw Wicked already a few years ago in Chicago, and was supposed to go with MaryAnn and another friend. MaryAnn’s mom had a heart attack right before that and has been taking care of her mom ever since then. I’ve been anxious for this play to come to Indy, so we can finally see it together. I enjoyed the music so much. The story is a little silly, but it's just so much fun, since I'm such a hug Wizard of Oz fan.
After doing Kristen’s hair, her boyfriend Andrew also had us over for dinner. He’s done this so often, and thankfully he enjoys it, but I feel like I just haven’t reciprocated enough. Bottom line is after my work week, I don’t have energy to entertain as often as I'd like. John brought a bottle of wine and some cards and we played Euchre. I enjoyed that so much. I love just hanging out with friends and playing games. That is the ideal weekend for me. I thought we were going to celebrate Beth’s birthday tonight, but I misread the invite. They actually went out Thursday. I had to work, and these were apparently last minute plans. I’ve been trying to readjust my expectations or feelings toward Beth. I consider her a friend still, but some how I elevated her too high, and too quickly and found myself disappointed by her at times. I don’t blame her. I blame myself. I had put her in a category of friend in my mind before time could really create that kind of friend. I’m really grateful for the ones who have stood the test of time.
I accomplished much less today than I had hoped, which is typical. We had 60 degrees and sunny and had big ideas of cleaning my garage. I picked up the house a little, did some laundry, spoke to Cuco about adding a patio next to the deck, and doing a little landscaping. I think it will be so nice to have a level area for the grill and a bar. I wish I had enough money to totally make my backyard a paradise all at once. I guess each year we can do a little at a time. It gets nicer all the time. Most of the day was really filled with watching the 2nd season of the Tudors. The beheading scenes were more graphic than I was ready for. It was so disturbing and made me so grateful that I wasn’t born in that day. It’s been a fascinating series. I love learning about this piece of History and it gives me a whole new perspective on the church.
Olivia just logged on to MSN messenger. I chatted with her for a few minutes. She helped me set it up earlier today and did a little webcam chat with her and “the boy”. I wanted to do Skype to see if the quality was any better, but she was unable to complete the set up. Hopefully we can figure it out next weekend. I’m getting so excited to see them. I have fallen so in love with Matthew, I’m having dreams about him. I’m hoping maybe this new technology I’m learning will help me get closer to Liv too, but am mostly wanting to chat more often on here so Matthew doesn’t forget who I am between visits. I hope this summer we’ll head down to see the family a lot. I have a feeling this year is going to zoom by.