Carrie and thoughts on babies

This week flew by. Anxious for memorial weekend to see Matthew again. Went out last night after work with my friend Carrie. I’ve done her hair for abut 10 yrs. She moved to Louisville a few years ago, but once a year has come back to get highlights, then we go out afterwards. I feel like we’re just starting to really know each other. She’s a real gem. She and I are opposite in so many ways, but I think we believe a lot of the same things. She’s 33, has 4 kids, 2 boys and twin girls. She loves her kids more than life. She’s a tomboy. Was a big volleyball star in college. Has a southern accent and drinks beer like water. She dances like Jed Clampet and is hilarious. John really likes her too. She’s more like the people he’s always enjoyed hanging out with. She’s very genuine and has the biggest heart. We just went to Champps for dinner, and since there was a threat of rain, we weren’t sure if the band would play out on the patio, so we came back to our house and hung out looking at the fish in in our waterfall and talking for hours. She says the same thing that MaryAnn has always said about coming to terms with having children or not. I still think about adopting, and yet have hang ups about it. I think about it every day. Mathew has definitely lit a spark for me that makes me want my own, yet I’m so in love with him, I can’t fathom loving another child as much. I’ve been too scared to actually pursue adoption because I over think it all the time, but I can’t let it go either. I wish I could just have a few guarantees in life. I know better, I’ve just never been a risk taker and I almost choke every time I start thinking through what is involved with having a child. I just think, maybe I should close my eyes and jump in and roll with whatever happens. I’m not there yet.

Mexican Train

Saturday we had Dan and Beth over for dinner. We all wanted a casual easy night. John and I spent the day cleaning up the yard and house. I was just going to order a pizza, but John reminded me that we had frozen pork, so I thawed and marinated it. I ran to the store down the street for sweet potatoes and asparagus and decided that was good enough. Beth also brought a sweet potato salad and Quinoa black been salad from Whole Foods. They were both delicious. We cooked the pork on sticks over the fire which is my favorite way, You just can’t beat the flavor. They taught us Mexican train as I stated in my previous post. It actually was very easy. John LOVED it. I’ve never seen him enjoy a game so much. I guess we’ll have to do more of it. He prefers games that he doesn’t have to do any thinking. For me, I was thinking a little harder because there actually is some strategy, and I guess those moves become easier as you get more familiar with the game. It’s a little like Majhong which I learned New year’s day.
I’m just so happy that my yard is getting prettier. I hope we can entertain more this summer.
Sunday is filled with flower shopping, planting, painting, and day dreaming about how to decorate the patio. Can't wait for the next big party.

christening the patio

I’m so excited about my new patio. Such a little thing to make me so happy. I just can’t believe how quickly it came to fruition. I hired a landscaper that my Physical Therapist recommended. The name of the guy in charge is Cuco, so John and I have had a lot of fun with that. It just took a couple of days and they even worked in the rain, which amazed me. I'm thrilled. I still have to landscape around it. John will finally put the fence up that’s been down for years. Lots of cleaning and painting to freshen everything up, but it just makes me so happy to have such a comfy out door living area. A hot tub and a movie screen will complete the picture, but I don’t really see that happening any time soon.
Dan and Beth are coming over Saturday night. We’ll probably just sit around the fire pit and eat. They’ve been into a game called Mexican train with dominoes. I really am resistant to learning games that have anything to do with counting, and I don’t know why, because it’s not all that difficult for me. I guess word or picture games are just that much easier for me and I don’t have to think as much. It’s silly, but I continually have on my mind that I don’t want to lose my mind, so I’m always wanting to learn new things. It’s a little pathetic, that I can’t just enjoy a silly little game…it has to serve a purpose, in this case, exercising my brain. I might just surprise my self and enjoy it. Maybe I have too much of a need to be good at something or I don’t want to do it. Is that just human nature?
My house has the typical needs that neglecting through my work week has created. It’s supposed to be a beautiful spring day, so I may just choose to do out door work, or just go play.

boring but satisfying weekend

This weekend is all about chores. I was happy to clean my garage. We now have room to put the cabinets, that we still need to pick up, then paint, so John can install them along with some shelves on each side of the fireplace.
The guys installing the patio came yesterday, since we had such pleasant weather…partly cloudy, 70 degrees. I can’t believe how quickly they can accomplish so much. We decided to spend a little more money for them to wall a garden area for John and add sidewalk up to the deck. It will make my back yard look so magnificent. It looks like I have to hire these people to move all the wood in the back too. John keeps telling me he can move it all, it’s not worth the money, but he won’t stack the logs behind the shed, and they really are an eye sore. He likes things to look nice too, but just doesn’t value all the same things I do. I have more work I want them to do in the front, but really can’t afford to do it all at once. Have to cut more hair I guess. Just when I feel like I want to slow down, I start noticing the things I want, so that requires me to work more.
I convinced John to go for a bike ride with me in the afternoon. We just went for about 8 miles, but we went through the surrounding neighborhoods that we really haven’t seen. I like looking at other people’s houses and seeing how they landscape. There really are some beautiful homes close to me.
We were supposed to go to party last night, but cancelled last minute. I felt bad, because I want to get to know the hosts better, but John wasn’t feeing his best and this party was a drinking game competition for charity. Neither one of us felt up to drinking. I want to get a few more things accomplished today and am pretty much worthless the day after alcohol. I’m anxious to start sewing and doing some other projects, but there’s always laundry to catch up on and groceries to buy…
and the typical stuff of life that it’s difficult to make a new mess. I really want to clean out my basement and paint my bathroom. So many choices, so little time. I may just end up watching another movie today. We finally watched Slumdog Millionaire last night. It was stressful, but so good. It deserved the Oscar.
So I’m off and running. Hoping to make something happen today.

Easter with B, T, O, and M

Had a wonderful and exhausting Easter weekend. Spent It with John’s brother Bernard and his wife Tracie with Olivia and Matthew. I spent Saturday cleaning the house. They came around 6pm Saturday night. I was so excited to see Matthew and was so happy that he seemed to remember us. I’m just not sure what to expect with his age at 16 months. As soon as he came in I got on

youtube.com to play Beyonce’s “All the single ladies.” I taught him the song, because he liked the “OH OH OH” that she sings. Tracie called a few weeks ago to tell me that he was singing that. As soon as I put on the music he started bouncing up and down and shaking his arm.(Those are his dance moves...sooooo cute.) I took video later of this, but nothing as cute as when he first heard this music. He’s at a climbing age too. He wore me out climbing up the stairs, because he didn’t want to crawl backwards down. He wants to step down and his legs aren’t long enough. He actually rolled down a few steps a few times and bonked his head, but if you don’t fuss, and just say “big boy” he does fine and doesn’t notice that it hurt.
John grilled burgers and we just had a laid back evening. Blockbuster didn’t have the movie we wanted, so we just watched TV. Sunday morning we played some more, then I threw together a sausage egg and hash brown casserole for breakfast. Matthew went outside a little later and played with the bubble machine we bought him. He likes pushing buttons so it was great fun. The multitude of bubbles seemed to thrill him. I can’t wait to see how he likes them when it’s warmer outside. It was actually a pleasant day, sunny and about 60 degrees, but a little windy.

Another button he likes to push is the little talking photo cube I made for him. It has photos of the 3 of us together, because I want him to see pics of us when we’re away from him. I recorded a portion of a song that a sang all the time to him in Florida. The phrase I sang was “God picked you out from all the rest, ‘cause he knew that I loved you the very best.” When he pushed the button his eyes lit up and he looked at me as if he recognized that it was me singing. I just don’t know what to expect from a 16 month old, but he seems very aware.
I decided my name is “Lala”. He has an Aunt Lisa, John’s oldest sister. He says “YaYa” which I like too. John’s mom made a comment years ago about ‘L’s” being hard, so I’ve been working with him on saying them. I thought Lala might be easier to say than Lisa. He seems to know that’s my name. When he was down in the basement with John and Bernard I heard him yell "YAYA". As if he were calling me. I can't decide if it's just a fun word for him to say, or he really is calling me, but he uses it at appropriate times. I’m falling more and more in love.
We did an Easter egg hunt with him. I just filled plastic eggs with goldfish crackers and Peeps and had 2 pacifiers. One was big giant lips and the other is a pig snout. Too cute! His basket had a book with farm animals, a coloring book with larger crayons, animal crackers, chocolate bunny, and a big plastic flute recorder. He may be too young for the instrument, so I’ll bring it to him next time. He wasn’t quite sure about the easter egg hunt. It will be really fun next year when he’s more excited to do these things. I also gave Olivia a basket full of candy, a few novelty items and some sephora eyeliner. I hope she likes it all.
Next we took Matt to the play ground in the school yard next door to us. He liked the see saw and the slide. He liked the swing for a little bit, but really enjoys stepping up and down so he would wander off to the edge to try and step down, we had to continually redirect him to the playground.
We went back to the house to get Bernard and Olivia to play some more. Tracie watched the lamb in the oven. We came back to finish working on dinner. I took for granted that the last one in the house closed the sliding door behind them, but they didn’t, so after a minute, when Tracie asked where Matthew was we started looking around and he came back in from out side. That boy is going to need extra guardian angels. Our deck has no railing and he came in with one wet pant leg, so he probably stepped in our pond. The frightening thing is, how slick it is and unsteady. He could have died in that split second. I have heard stories in the past of people that just looked away for a minute and the child died. There is absolutely no rest with a little one around.
Trying to play and do a dinner, doesn’t work real well. John did some pork chops. I did Carol’s potato casserole and some candied carrots and asparagus. I’ve done the brown sugar and butter thing before, but it didn’t seem to work out as well this time. I ended up redoing it and it was just so so. Asparagus was fine, but the meat and potatoes seemed dry. It was disappointing, because I know John and I are both better cooks, but I guess I preferred to have fun than focus so much on making everything perfect. I can’t say I’m a big fan of lamb. I may play with a wine sauce to eat with the leftovers.
I think I would lose a lot of weight with Matthew around more. I really didn’t have much of an appetite, because I wanted to have fun with him. We ran and danced and played so much, I think I could give up my gym membership. After dinner, the guys were watching Masters golf, so I convinced them to go to the basement, taking Matthew. The dark cold place put him to sleep, which he needed. I went to pick up “DOUBT” at Blockbuster for the girls to watch. It was good and interesting. Left questions about whether or not a Catholic priest (Philip Seymour Hoffmen) was a child molester. Meryl Streep was an old bat nun that was convinced he was, but she was too strict and uptight. They both were EXCELLENT in the film.
After the movie, Tracie started packing up so it gave me a little more play time with Matthew. I know he was tired so he became cranky when it was time to go. I think being an Aunt is awesome. Nothing but FUN, and no poopy diapers if I don’t want to. I’m completely exhausted though and happy to have some “me” time, although Monday is another day of cleaning to get traces of Matthew from off the floor.

More PT for me and $ on my mind

I’m a little discouraged tonight. I thought today would be my final Physical Therapy appointment. When I 1st began therapy 2 months ago, my shoulder was only at 15 degrees of external rotation. Last week I was at 75 degrees. Bill said he would release me at 85 degrees, so I did my stretching exercises more often than usual…every chance I had. I was sure he would be amazed at my improvement. I barely hit 70 degrees today. I don’t know what happened. I didn’t sleep well last night, and wonder if that will affect my progress.
I got a call from my credit card company telling me they had to cancel my card because of fraudulent activity. This really bothers me, since I hardly ever use my card. Trying to figure out how it could even happen has really been bothering me. It’s all been taken care of, and we are fine, but that, combined with the idea of spending more money for the back yard…even though I really want this…is apparently keeping me up at night. I can’t have everything I want all at once, so I think long and hard about where to spend my money. The idea of letting any go when I keep hearing about our bad economy, makes me scared. I guess I can keep dreaming of a nice house, or go ahead and make it happen. I’m hoping that writing these things now, will help me release my anxiety and get a good night’s sleep tonight.

Movies, Webcam and a typical Saturday

Had my typical long hard week of work. Kristen was my last appointment on Friday. She surprised me early by letting me know that she has 6 tix to see Wicked the weekend after my birthday. That’s exactly what I was hoping to do. I tried to hint to John that he can get the limo for all of us. He wasn’t sure, but maybe my friends can help him get organized. Maybe there’s a big taxi van that can just take us down and bring us back and we won’t have to pay such a high price. I saw Wicked already a few years ago in Chicago, and was supposed to go with MaryAnn and another friend. MaryAnn’s mom had a heart attack right before that and has been taking care of her mom ever since then. I’ve been anxious for this play to come to Indy, so we can finally see it together. I enjoyed the music so much. The story is a little silly, but it's just so much fun, since I'm such a hug Wizard of Oz fan.
After doing Kristen’s hair, her boyfriend Andrew also had us over for dinner. He’s done this so often, and thankfully he enjoys it, but I feel like I just haven’t reciprocated enough. Bottom line is after my work week, I don’t have energy to entertain as often as I'd like. John brought a bottle of wine and some cards and we played Euchre. I enjoyed that so much. I love just hanging out with friends and playing games. That is the ideal weekend for me. I thought we were going to celebrate Beth’s birthday tonight, but I misread the invite. They actually went out Thursday. I had to work, and these were apparently last minute plans. I’ve been trying to readjust my expectations or feelings toward Beth. I consider her a friend still, but some how I elevated her too high, and too quickly and found myself disappointed by her at times. I don’t blame her. I blame myself. I had put her in a category of friend in my mind before time could really create that kind of friend. I’m really grateful for the ones who have stood the test of time.
I accomplished much less today than I had hoped, which is typical. We had 60 degrees and sunny and had big ideas of cleaning my garage. I picked up the house a little, did some laundry, spoke to Cuco about adding a patio next to the deck, and doing a little landscaping. I think it will be so nice to have a level area for the grill and a bar. I wish I had enough money to totally make my backyard a paradise all at once. I guess each year we can do a little at a time. It gets nicer all the time. Most of the day was really filled with watching the 2nd season of the Tudors. The beheading scenes were more graphic than I was ready for. It was so disturbing and made me so grateful that I wasn’t born in that day. It’s been a fascinating series. I love learning about this piece of History and it gives me a whole new perspective on the church.
Olivia just logged on to MSN messenger. I chatted with her for a few minutes. She helped me set it up earlier today and did a little webcam chat with her and “the boy”. I wanted to do Skype to see if the quality was any better, but she was unable to complete the set up. Hopefully we can figure it out next weekend. I’m getting so excited to see them. I have fallen so in love with Matthew, I’m having dreams about him. I’m hoping maybe this new technology I’m learning will help me get closer to Liv too, but am mostly wanting to chat more often on here so Matthew doesn’t forget who I am between visits. I hope this summer we’ll head down to see the family a lot. I have a feeling this year is going to zoom by.

Saturday stuff and Matthew

Finally worked on tax stuff today. Every weekend that I had planned to, was filled with something else. Couldn’t put it off any longer. I haven’t posted anything on here for quite a while. I journaled during vacation and after, but felt the need to vent a few things so chose to post on my private blog. All in all vacation was lovely and it really was because of Matthew. I think having him with us made every thing new and fun. Tonight John and I watched a few eps of the Tudors and I have been organizing some pics on Facebook. I’m also trying to title all the video I took of Matthew, to eventually post online as well. I haven’t asked Tracie if it’s ok to post anything with him, but I’ve asked John to double check things, because he’s so much more conservative than I am about these things. I’m less and less interested in TV and have more fun replaying Matthew videos. John and I have had adoption talks again. It’s just talk, maybe to get it out of our system. I keep giving us the reality checks. When I remind him of puke and diarrhea, and being the taxi service when kids get older, we both feel pretty good about our lives. We both still feel a little sad tho, that we haven’t had our own. I think we can be a big part of Matthew’s life. I just struggle with how much. I don’t want to offend Bernard and Tracie, with how much we want to be involved. I convinced them to get a web cam with their new computer. I haven’t tried SKYPE yet, but am hoping that we’ll both easily be able to set it up, and can have more communication with “the boy”(our affectionate term for him) since they are 2 hours away and it is not very realistic for us to see him more than every 6 weeks or so. Maybe more often this summer. Planning on them being here for Easter. I'm anxious to create his basket. Plan on doing some shopping this weekend for a baby gate. Our home isn't very baby friendly right now.

Saturday

Today's chores include the gym, pick up the house and laundry and packing for vacation. I have PT on Monday and then have to work the rest of the day and every day after till we leave Sat morn. I work late nights so hopefully I won’t forget anything. Monday will be my 5th PT session. I was hoping to be further along than I am, but I have seen improvement. My focus in Florida will be to spend more time doing my stretches. That will be the nice thing about the beach. There are a few I can do there, but I’ll still have to go to the condo for others, since I have to attach the pulley to a door. Last year I was so lazy. I want to get more motivated with exercise. My goal is to get strong enough just to throw a ball to my nephew. Sometimes it feels like it’s always going to be like this, so it’s hard to want to work out. Also, knowing that exercise will have to be a part of my life if I don’t want to keep getting injured. I HATE IT. It’s really not so bad. I just have a hard time being disciplined, and continuing to create a habit. If I have a goal in mind, I’ve always been able to achieve it. It’s the idea that this is going to have to be a lifestyle that is tripping me up.
I’m looking forward to Florida. I’m praying that we have good weather. It can be sketchy in March. I really had a bad time last year, but maybe I was hormonal. I was so sensitive to such petty things. I have a better attitude this year. I’ll have more time to journal while there. Maybe I’ll have some deep insight.

V day and John's weight loss mission

I’d like to write something at least once a week on here, but don’t always feel like there’s much to say.
Last weekend we went to cirque du soleil with the Kolenda’s for their wedding anniversary--on Valentine's day. Stood in line for 10 minutes at the Cheesecake Factory, waiting to put our names in for a 2 hour wait. I called a few restaurants while standing in line and decided to head up to Carrabba’s by our house, for only a 40 min. wait. I don’t think we would fight the crowds on Valentine’s day if it wasn’t their anniversary. I’m glad we have a reason to celebrate though. John and I tend to take holidays like that for granted, and probably wouldn’t put much or any effort in if someone else wasn’t involved. I usually try to make a big deal out of birthdays but this last year, I really didn’t feel like doing much. Mine was on a Wednesday and just didn’t feel that special. I just told someone that I’m “going to be 43” when in fact I’ll be 44. I actually forgot, and it hit me a few days later. Maybe since we didn’t celebrate the last one it slipped my mind. John has the big 40 this year. I wonder if he’s going through a little mid life crisis. We’ve been together about 10 years. He’s put on about 10 pounds a year, until the 5th year of our marriage when he was around 280 lbs or more (he was 210 when I met him). He claims the extreme weight gain was because of antidepressants. He started dropping weight when he felt more stable in his job, but still hovered around 240-250 for years because he enjoys the beer and pizza a little too much. I used to get mean and angry about his food choices and lethargy because I was scared to death of losing him, but finally decided it wasn’t working anyway and he would have to take control of his own life in his own time and I would try to make whatever time we had more enjoyable for both of us. Now that he’s approaching 40, something kicked in and he is on a mission to get back down to 210. I believe he can do it...he's at 228 today, I’m just not sure if he’ll maintain it. He and I are similar in our personalities that we are very goal driven and achieve what we seek. Once the dream is fulfilled we get bored and go back to our old ways. I went through this around the same time, and enjoyed the attention from other people a little too much. I didn‘t do anything that would have jeopardized my marriage, but I can‘t say I wasn‘t tempted a few times, so it scares me a little that he’s going through this. I feel I can trust him, and I know that he loves me, and I know that no matter how much I love him and tell him he’s sexy, it doesn’t affect how he feels about himself. When I was working out all the time, and he told me how attractive I was, I still needed to feel that other men found me attractive. Perhaps John isn’t as needy in that area. I hope not. I try to stroke his ego, and am hoping I’m enough for him.

emily continued

I googled Emily to see if she might be in the obits yet. I would never feel comfortable calling Peggy and asking, and yet, I'm not sure how I'll handle the next time I see her.
I found this and realized it was written just a few days ago. I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but for now...this is unreal...remarkable...I'm sort of speechless...

From the "Pray for Emily" fan page

Update from 2/16/09
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Tue 6:42pm
We have received our miracle! Emily woke up on Sunday...it's an absolute miracle! I spent most of the day with them on Saturday and we all we were certain she didn't have long to live, erratic breathing, bad color, etc. Sunday morning the nurse came in to bathe Emily and Emily was following her with her eyes and head. The nurse noticed and said said Hi Emily and Emily looked right at her. They started asking her questions and she nodded her head yes and no. She responded to commands to smile and stick out her tongue all day. The have reconnected the feeding tube and she has been moved out of hospice to the Neurology Unit. She's not even in ICU anymore. She still can't talk or really move much because she hasn't moved a muscle for 6 weeks, but....I'm sure it's just a matter of time. I'm so excited! I'm expecting God to complete this miracle by Emily not having to live with pain anymore.

http://www.new.facebook.com/home.php?ref=home#/pages/Indianapolis-IN/Pray-for-Emily/48234527886?ref=nf

Emily

12:30 pm.
I just got a call from a client, that she needs her hair done as soon as possible. Her daughter Emily, who is in her early 20's is brain dead and they are waiting for her organs to shut down.
Peggy wanted to make sure her hair was shaped up before the funeral, and had no idea how soon that would be. I've done Emily's hair at least 10 years. She's been dealing with an inoperable tumor on her spine since jr. hi. She's had multiple surgeries for different pain pumps, and been on pain meds for quite a while now. Every time she's told me that they've increased her morphine, I've wondered how long her body could handle that. As soon as I heard the message, I broke down and cried. Just knowing someone so long and seeing them in chronic pain is difficult to watch. I've tried to be patient each time she was in, because she would have a difficult time sitting in the chair for long periods. My patients is tested some times, when I’m just trying to get through my job, dealing with my own pain, although realizing, it’s nothing like she’s been experiencing. It’s difficult to understand what people are going through until you’ve experienced the same things.
11pm.
Beth cancelled her appt tonight because of a cold, so I was able to get Peggy in. She was so grateful, and thanked me profusely as if I had gone out of my way for her. I was trying to figure out how to help her out, since I had just made a commitment to my self to not take on too much extra. I need to give my self a break so I can continue working for the long haul. I’m trying to find some balance in my life. I asked Peggy what happened. They believe there was some mistake at the pharmacy. Emily was given the wrong dosage of medicine.
1000 times more than what the Dr. had ordered, even though the label was exactly what the Dr. had ordered. When retracing steps, someone remembered the pharmacist had questioned the amount, as if that wasn’t normal, and the Dr. said “NO” and verified the smaller dosage. They believe the pharmacist accidentally gave the dosage he had in his mind any way.
I cannot fathom that this is possible. I cannot fathom that they are waiting for their only child to die.
I feel pain for them but have no concept of what they must be going through.
I’m stunned and heartbroken.

House, Gas, and PT

I’m home right now waiting for the house appraiser finish up, evaluating what our home is worth. We decided to refinance, since John gets a good deal at the bank to do it and the rate for a 30 yr mortgage is 4.75%. I’m hoping to keep paying what we have been to pay off the house sooner, but at least we have some leeway if we ever need it.
I spent the morning driving further to Physical Therapy, since my favorite PT moved. I didn’t remember to fill my gas tank up before I left and started to panic when there was no gas station off the exit, since the new hospital is in a newly developing area. I barely made it to the station and pd $1.87 a gallon. I’ve been wanting to record that at some point, so I’ll remember 30 yrs from now. At Christmas I think it was around $1.40 something. Right before the 4th of July, I wrote down that it was $4.04. It’s such a silly game. So far this economic crisis hasn’t affected us terribly. As long as my clients keep their jobs and John keeps his, we should be fine. Although we DID lose enough money from the stock market that had we put that toward our house, we could have had it paid off by now. That makes me so sick. John has always said the market will earn more than our house could. Any one else would have probably believed that as well. It just makes me want to cry, that I have worked this hard, to have to go to PT, to see that money disappear. That money could be recovered eventually I suppose, as long as 5th 3rd stays in business. If the bank gets bought out, then that money is gone. UGGHHH.
So, I had my 1st session with Bill, my PT that I’ve worked with before. I’ve seen him in the past for my knee, my back, and this same shoulder. Because I HATE working out with weights, I let my self get weak, and now have something he calls “frozen shoulder”. I just don’t have much range of motion with my left arm. Bill asked how I’ve been functioning. It doesn’t hurt all the time, only if I move it in certain ways…
http://orthopedics.about.com/cs/frozenshoulder/a/frozenshoulder.htm
“Frozen shoulder, or adhesive capsulitis, is a condition that causes restriction of motion in the shoulder joint. The cause of a frozen shoulder is not well understood, but it often occurs for no known reason. Frozen shoulder causes the capsule surrounding the shoulder joint to contract and form scar tissue.”
I was planning on just doing the exercises that Bill gave me previously for my shoulder instability, but after a few weeks of this, he came in for his daughter to have a haircut. He told me I really should be evaluated, and I’m glad he did, because I probably wouldn’t get any better with the things I’ve been doing. He said it could take up to 3 years to heal from this. Oh Please God, give me a quicker recovery. I can’t stand feeling this way.
Off to finish some errands, then have to work a few hours, to make up for missing work half a day last week because of the 10” of snow. At least the sun is shining. The reflection off the snow makes it pretty out there.

enjoying friendships

I could see the benefits of polygamy if I wasn’t so territorial with my husband. After a fun night with friends last night, playing games, eating and laughing, I was a complete slug today. Hope spent the night and today we grazed, watched the movie Hancock (which surprisingly made a little teary eyed), and played 3 games of scrabble. It was nice to have another person to interact with through the day. John and I don’t always enjoy doing the same things together and someone usually has to sacrifice a little just to make sure that we’re staying connected. It was nice to have a lazy day with John by my side, but having another person to talk to and play with. I could easily go off and do something else with a girl friend, but then I think John will be lonely. I think I would be if the tables were turned. It’s just comforting to do a whole lot of nothing with everyone all together. Maybe that’s why some people like to have lots of children. There’s always someone around. I really cherish my alone time as well, but when I’m old, I may have to have a few room mates if John leaves this earth before I do.

fun night and lazy day

Sat 1/18
10 am.

I’m procrastinating. It’s cold outside and I want to stay comfy cozy in my jammies all day. The Gym is calling me. The minor workout routine that I’ve been mimicking from physical therapy is not even difficult. My shoulder sometimes aches for a couple of days after I do it, even after icing it, so I’m avoiding that perhaps. I’ve been in pain far too long and it’s really ridiculous that I’ve let my self get this weak. I could be injured so easily. I slid, while walking into the salon the other day and as I put my arms out for balance, I torqued my shoulder just enough to create more pain. John keeps pestering me to go to the Dr. I think more because he’s tired of hearing me say ouch, than compassion for me. I know what I need to do, I just need to consistently do it. I have about 6 or 7 weeks till Florida, so that is my goal, to be pain free down there. If it’s no better by then, I promised John I’ll see my doc.

Sun 1/19
5pm

Well, I was proud to get through my routine yesterday. I didn’t get much else accomplished, besides grocery store and laundry. I was planning on going to the gym today to my lower body routine-- have to strengthen around my knees too. I felt a little headachy, so I thought that would be enough to get me out of going out last night. John’s boss was celebrating her birthday at a pub in Noblesville. I really didn’t want to go to a smoky bar and knew I’d be worthless today if we went. He seemed to really want to do this, and he rarely asks for anything in particular. I’m usually the planner. The girls he works with are funny so we had a good time. I just have a hard time not having any alcohol if I’m in a bar. I drank a lot of water in between and had good vodka so I wouldn’t be hung-over. I thought for sure I did every thing I should have so that I could be productive today, but as of 5pm I’ve caught up on all the shows I DVRed last week, played a little Face Book Scrabble and am now doing this. I made John promise that we would start cleaning the basement today, but he just woke up from a nap. I had to take a little xanax in the middle of the night to go back to sleep. It's like clockwork when I drink. No matter what I do, inevitably I wake up 4 hours later. You'd think I wouldn't drink at all, when I know I'll feel crummy the next day. I'm not really hung over, just really lethargic. I just get in the mood when I'm with a group that's doing it. I get so bored and anxious to go home, but when I'm drinking it brings out the fun side of my personality. I think that's why John made my drink so strong before we left the house. It reminds him of when we used to have so much fun, early on when we were dating. He's never said that, but whenever I don't feel like doing something, he starts pouring me a drink--he knows it'll pep me up. I also can't tolerate the noise and the smoke and the other drunks unless I'm one of them. I think that's why I want my house nicer, so I feel inspired to have people here. Then I don't have the same need to drink and ultimately feel healthier.
The band last night played a lot of cover music that everyone knew and passed around the microphone. They let me shake the tambourine and get up on stage with them (Which I would have NEVER done sober). I had a lot of fun and John’s co workers seemed to get a kick out of our shenanigans. My dancing last night was enough of a work out for me. I feel like such an old lady. My body aches. I guess there’s no hurry to clean the basement or put away clothes or all the other things I need to get done. There are always chores. I really wanted things in order for company next week. Thankfully the company I’m having is comfy enough, that I don’t have to have everything perfect. I’m so anxious to rebuild the shelves in my Family room. It’ll look so much nicer in here, plus I’ll have more storage. John thinks he’ll start in a few weeks. I want to paint a different color (altho have to paint right handed, till my shoulder heals--so maybe I’ve been putting things off) and ultimately get wood floors throughout (John keeps telling me our floors are fine). I want wood floors so much I can taste it. I just LOVE the look and feel like the house would just feel cleaner. There are a few more things that are on the list first I guess, so don’t know how soon that will happen. Have to keep exercising, so I can keep working, so I can have wood floors.
Next weekend, my high school friends Hope Pechin (Now Lukens) and Lee Stichter (Buck) will be coming over for dinner and games. I lost touch with Lee after high school and reconnected through Face Book. He lives here on the West side of Indy. Hope lives in Bloomington, and we have randomly kept in touch through the years. Thankfully because of email, I’ve stayed in touch with people through the years. As much as I thought something like Face Book was so goofy a few year ago, I actually feel I’ve gotten closer to people because of it. Maybe seeing a photo attached, keeps people on my mind more. I guess when people add pics or update their status and I can comment, I feel more connected.
Off to the shower now. John turned on football and I have a few more hours in my day to get something accomplished.

True Beauty

I stayed up WAY too late last night catching up on shows I missed on ABC.com. There was a reality show that I had forgotten about, that I wanted to see, called “True Beauty”. The premise is that these 10 people are competing against each other for $100,000 and a spot in People magazine, as the most beautiful person in America. The twist is that they don’t realize that they are also being judged for internal beauty. I’m curious how this will play out, because what I saw from each of them, was repulsive. I sort of wonder if they are encouraged to play up the cockiness, because I can’t imagine anyone actually saying the words that came out of their mouths and be serious. A couple of them expressed insecurities growing up and I suppose that when we feel bad about ourselves, it’s somewhat healthy to give ourselves positive messages, to lift our selves back up. This subject has been a struggle for me for years being that I’m in the business of creating beauty. I love that I can do things to make people feel better about them selves. I think a great hair style and color can give us a boost. I think great clothes and shoes do that for people as well. I had to come to terms with this a few years ago, when I was feeling like my profession was so worthless. It’s not “life changing”. I realized though, that it can be. If someone gets an emotional boost from a physical change, then they are hopefully more productive and can change the world. What bothers me about my business , is the superficiality of it. I hate that we even worry about our appearance. I hate that how our clothes and hair and skin looks even matters. No matter how much I hate it, it will never change. People are judged for their appearance first and foremost. Rarely will someone be given a chance to express their beautiful character, if there is something unappealing on the outside. My husband tells me that he thinks thin salesmen make more money than heavy ones. Is it because people see the heavy ones as sloppy, or lazy? Or is it that when the salesmen themselves
think they look good, they can reach out more easily and make things happen? Maybe a bit of both.
Before I met my husband, I dated a lot of really great guys, but I couldn’t find my self physically attracted to them. They met a lot of emotional needs, and so often I wished I was blind, so I could not have their appearance to me even be a factor. Although, that brings me to the next issue …what we consider beautiful in other people is not the same for everyone. When I met John, I thought he was one of the hottest guys I had ever seen. His childhood gal pal thought
that was so strange. I guess she viewed him differently. What I saw 1st that I was so drawn to was his strong Dudley Do Right jaw line. According to programs that I’ve watched about the science behind what we’re attracted to, that’s a very common allure because it symbolizes
masculinity and virility and because our nature is to procreate, we look for attributes that can promote that. John on the other hand was insecure about his jaw line because he dated a girl that told him he could get it surgically altered. I guess in her mind it was too big.
When I was newly divorced and out on the prowl, I felt jealous that my blonde girlfriends were getting more attention than I was. I felt I was prettier or at least as pretty as they, but they were getting a lot more drinks bought for them. I went blonde and felt like I was getting noticed all of the sudden. It could be that I was projecting my self differently because of my impression of how I looked. I went out with a guy, who saw a picture of me as a brunette and told me he liked that better. I kept the blonde hair any way and after John and I were married a while, I went back to the chestnut locks. John has never criticized my appearance, but after I dragged it out of him, he admitted years later that he wasn’t fond of the brown. After some time of analyzing this, I’ve decided that gray hair is God’s gift to soften our appearance. As we get age spots and wrinkles, dark hair casts shadows and emphasizes these flaws. This is assuming that God would concern God's self with such things. I guess it's part of the human condition to have a need to adorn our selves in some way. I'll stay blonde for the time being.
I may continue to struggle with the importance of beauty. In the past both my parents and some of my friends have said hurtful things (unintentionally I'm sure) to make me realize how important appearance is. I can choose to ignore it or not worry about it and develop my internal character, but I don’t know that society will ever change. We value this. I’ve heard it said that most people are worrying more about themselves than what you look like but I’ve heard the catty remarks from people I wouldn’t expect to hear them from. I’ve done it too. I guess we think if we criticize someone’s appearance it elevates us, but it really is an ugly trait. I hate that this is of value, and yet, I hate that I’m aging and everything is breaking down and so I try to hide that with blonde hair and makeup. The people I prefer to be around are the ones that don’t seem to be hiding anything they just ARE and they are beautiful. I prefer to be around funny and smart people, so why do I feel so compelled to enhance my physical appearance?

I’ll end this with one of my favorite poems…

For attractive lips, Speak words of kindness.
For lovely eyes, Seek out the good in people.
For a slim figure, Share your food with the hungry.
For beautiful hair, Let a child run his or her fingers through it once a day.
For poise, Walk with the knowledge you'll never walk alone.
People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed and redeemed; Never throw out anybody.
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.
As you grow older you will discover that you have two hands; one for helping yourself, the other for helping others.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a Woman is reflected in her soul.
It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she knows.And the beauty of a woman, with passing years only grows!

2008-2009

2008 was the year of the Rat in the Chinese culture.
http://www.c-c-c.org/chineseculture/zodiac/zodiac.html
We had 2 mice--that we caught-- visit us at the end of the year . One was actually the 1st mouse I ever saw in this house (altho they did leave evidence of their existence in the past, I never saw their face.) John keeps reminding me that a mouse is the not the same as a rat, but in my mind they might as well be the same. They had actually chewed apart a box of ant traps, under the sink, assuming there was something tastier in there. I cleaned like a mad woman, and bought steel wool to block potential entrances. I haven't seen any more evidence for the past week, but am still a bit freaked out by their invasion.

According to Wikepedia…
The Rat (鼠) was welcomed in ancient times as a protector and bringer of material prosperity. It is an animal associated with aggression, wealth, charm, and order, yet also associated with death, war, the occult, pestilence, and atrocities. In the Chinese Zodiac, the Year of the Rat is associated with the earthly branch symbol 子. In some parts of the world, a year associated with this animal 鼠 is referred to as Year of the Mouse because the word may be translated to "rat", "mouse", or more broadly, "rodent".

I’m going to hold on to the 1st part of the above description as a reason for our little visitor.
I ate Chinese food the day after Christmas and learned to play MahJong on New Year’s day. I wonder what the year of the OX will bring for me….

Disclaimer for mom...I would prefer not to have a discourse. I already know what you're going to say.

Notable Quotes

“Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation.”
--George Washington

Someone sent me a list of famous quotes. This is the one that jumped out at me. I’m grateful for those in my life that are tried and true. I’ve made an effort to be the kind of friend that can be trusted. I try to be what I need from others, which leads me to the next quote that meant something to me…

“We must become the change we want to see in the world.”
--Mahatma Gandhi

SIN

My feet and back hurt. I worked my typical 10 hour day, but after having a week off work, it’s difficult to get back in the swing of things. I also have new orthodics that were probably worn a bit longer than I should have, since I’m supposed to ease into them. It’s difficult for me to ease into anything. I tend to be all or nothing. I’m grateful to have a job and so many loyal clients. Some times I wish I could be independently wealthy. I just feel so tired and achy so often. I know the answer is get back to the gym. I’m just letting my all or nothing attitude overwhelm me right now. Just as I’m feeling like I don’t want to work any more, I’m watching about SLOTH--one of the 7 deadly sins on the History channel. John asked me which of the 7 did I believe to me my worst. I told him that I don’t think of sin the same way the average person does. The History channel is actually showing how the brain is affected through MRI’s when faced with particular “sins”. very interesting.

one web site had this...
The Seven Deadly Sins are those transgressions which are fatal to spiritual progress. You probably commit some of them every day without thinking about the rich tradition of eternal damnation in which you're participating.
ENVYSLOTHGLUTTONYWRATHPRIDELUSTGREED

HAPPY NEW YEAR

2009-1-1 HAPPY NEW YEAR and Happy 9th anniversary John.
Spent the night with the Kolendas. Mary Ann served limoncello, shrimp cocktail and cheese with crackers. We swapped gifts. She knows me so well, everything was so fun.
MaryAnn rented a limo for 6 of us to share. Steve and Yvette Woosley joined. Limo was $500+ tip that we split. The driver, Adrian McVey was a WWII vet. He said he was in the Navy right when the war ended and that his older brother survived the sinking of the U.S.S. Indianapolis. John had learned a lot about that from the History channel so it was interesting to talk to someone that had more 1st hand knowledge. It would have been even more interesting if we were sober maybe--maybe not. He was a bit slow talking and long winded, but funny and charming. I kept calling him Clarence, because he reminded me of the guardian angel from “It’s a wonderful life”.

The limo was a bit tight for the six of us and the smell of smoke on Steve and Yvette’s perfume, I thought I was going to cough up a lung. Once I started imbibing , the smells were more tolerable. We drove around a little before dinner and Adrian humored us by stopping a couple of times and asking people on the street, “pardon me, but you would you happen to have a little grey poupon?“ mimicking the old commercial.

We ate dinner at Toscana which is a new restaurant attached to the Holiday in. It wasn’t Mary Ann’s 1st choice, because she forgot to call earlier for reservations, but it was good. I’ve had better, but I was satisfied. I just find my self more and more disappointed with restaurant food. If I’m going to spend the cash, I feel like it needs to WOW me. If I can make the same thing at home, it seems pointless to go out. It’s nice to have someone else clean up though. It was pretty reasonably priced, since we were drinking our own alcohol in the limo.

Adrian asked how long we’d be there, so I asked, “why, do you have another fare to pick up?” He responded with, “OHHH..” and shoved me a little. I just love old people that are with it. They’re so funny. We decided he had to be about 81 yrs old.

Next we headed to a bar called the Vault in Lafayette, just off of campus. We started a bit early so it seemed dead in there. We started playing pool though, and so I didn’t notice if it got more crowded. I enjoyed that--I haven’t played pool for so long. My shoulder and arm bothers me so much I could barely hold the stick well enough, but actually made some shots. Wouldn’t have been able to at all because of the pain had it not been for the Vodka--thank GOD! When I went to the bathroom, I walked passed Adrian trying to pick up some woman--funny.

Once it was close to midnight, we drove to the house that MaryAnn’s mom was playing bridge. We rang in the New Year, with all her cronies. John told me that he shook the champagne bottle so that he could get the cork to go flying across the room, but apparently the champagne went flying all over the room. I don’t know how I missed all that…must have been in the bathroom. There was still champagne to be shared and I just sipped at that point. Was trying to not have a hangover. The next day. One lady was passing out rum balls from Austria, so I mentioned that my dad was in Germany. She was so excited when I mentioned Bamberg and told me how beautiful it is there, she then insisted that I take all the rum balls. I guess when we feel some sort of a connection with someone, in any way, it draws us closer.

All in all it was a great night. We spent a little under $250. I’ve gone out a spent a lot more on New Year’s eve. I had pretty much decided that I’ve done the big things already. We used to go to the bars all the time, so that didn‘t seem appealing originally. I much prefer to just stay in and have a house party. Since it had been so long since we had done anything like all that we did last night, it was much more fun than I had expected. I’m pretty much happy to do whatever , as long as I have the people I love with me. I’m sure it was much nicer for Mary Ann to not go to so much trouble. She just always throws the best parties.

When we arrived back at the Kolenda’s we broke out John’s Frittata. He wanted us to save it for the morning, but I think it helped prevent the hangover. He made plenty, so we had more 1st thing in the a.m.
It was rich and fattening and DELISH!!! Sausage, bacon, cheese, cream, eggs, mushrooms, spinach. Mary Ann has a theory that the longest lasting marriages are when the husband cooks. I’m pretty happy mine does.

I stayed in Jammies all day, while we played scrabble and watched movies. I edited and organized photos. For dinner the Kolendas made Prime Rib and Yorkshire pudding. Everything was so tasty.
We always have so much fun with Mike and Mary Ann. I laughed so hard I cried at the pics I took of everyone jumping up in the air. I feel so rich having them as friends.